Crack
by TheDeliquent9
Summary: WARNING CONTAINS SERIOUS CRACK! Well we all know a life with Skulduggery and Valkyrie wouldn't be normal. Rated T because I think Skulduggery is a pervert. Valduggery with a tad of Ghanith.
1. Chapter 1 Confession

**A/N: WARNING HIGHLY CORROSIVE CRACK**

**Me: I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant…  
Skullduggery: You wish you did.**

**Me: Damn right.**

Chapter 1 Confession:

"Skulduggery, I think I love you"

Silence.

"You _think_. How positive are you exactly. Are you saying 75 percent, 89.5 maybe or are we talking about-"

"Fine. I know I love you. In everyway a person can love another. I really do Skulduggery and you're the only one I can imagine spending the rest of my life with"

"Ah"

Silence.

"Ah"

More silence.

Sudden insane laughter and Skulduggery banging his fist on the steering wheel of the Bentley.

"You're a _necrophiliac_!"

"What I said I loved you Skulduggery"

"I know but you said in _everyway_ a _person_ can love another"

"_Oh, shut up_"

"But- laughter- it's true!"

"Skulduggery, please look where you are driving- Skulduggery! Great, see you missed the turn! Skulduggery why have you got your mobile out?"

"Calling Fletcher. I can't wait to see his face when I tell him-"

"Don't you _dare_ tell Fletcher Renn. Or I will murder you"

"Good luck with killing a dead person. Which reminds me- You're a necrophiliac!"

"Glad to see you're so happy about your freakish condition"

"That wasn't very nice- Well at least I'm not a necrophiliac"

More laughing.

"Will you just stop?"

"Not until you stop being a necrophiliac- which I hope will never happen"

Silence.

"You're blushing"

"Shut up and drive"

"Yes dear"


	2. Chapter 2 That First Date

**A/N:  
Me: I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant, if I did this stuff would've happened already and instead of all the bad guys the world would be overrun by undead teddies lead by a mysteriously and uncanny identical twin of me. **

Chapter 2 That First Date

The door opens

"You're late"

"What are you talking about? I'm perfectly on time"

"I said 6:30 Skulduggery"

"No you said 7:30"

"It's 8:15"

"You love me"

"Sorry I forgot that I was talking to a living skeleton, whose world revolves around them- Let me rephrase it shall I? You are more than an hour and a half late for a date which took me six weeks to arrange because you said you were busy on every other day of the week and in the end it had to be at your place because _you_ wouldn't go to any of the places I suggested. I sat in a chair just behind this door which I'm not letting you though, waiting for the moment we could share our very first date while putting you first so that you would be happy. Now. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"You love me?"

"Wrong answer"

The door begins to close.

"Oh come on! It's my own house!"

"Yeah, well the temporary lady of it is kicking you out"

"Mean lady taking over my house"

"Good night"

The door closes shut and is locked.

Nothing.

"But Mr. Cuddles"

Door opens and teddy bear is thrown out.

"I know you'll never do _this_ to me Mr. Cuddles"

**A/N: So hard. I've been getting writer's blocks and I need inspiration if I want to enter a competition (a few actually). I've made a work already but I want to see if I can come up with something else. Hopefully writing crack will help.**


	3. Chapter 3 That Time

**A/N:  
I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant- but I can change that *takes out an AK47***

Chapter 3 Oh the Joys of telling your So-Called-Friends about that Relationship-You-Have-With-That-Other-Person-Is-More-Than-Friendship

"Tanith, Ghastly, Fletcher, Kenspeckle and China. Once again thanks for taking a piece of your time to listen to us" said Valkyrie Cain to her five friends.

"We thought you should know" Valkyrie started.

"Just some news"

"Good news"

"Sort of"

Silence.

"OMIGOSH I KNEW IT!!! SKULDUGGERY IS GAY!" Tanith stood up and shouted.

Everyone stared at her.

"Um. No. Sorry Tanith. I'm sorry but you're fantasies of Ghastly and I getting together will never happen" said Skulduggery slowly.

"You had fantasies about me and _him_" shouted Ghastly standing up and pointed to the beloved skeleton.

"Do you know how many times I've been injured so much I could hardly move!? I was bored out of my wits!" said Tanith in defense.

"Ghastly and Skulduggery together would be funny" said Fletcher laughing.

"It wouldn't be funny it would be sick! Sick and wrong"

"Excuse me everyone but I believe that Skulduggery and Valkyrie still have something to tell us" said China. Everyone looked back at them and sat down in silence.

Valkyrie took Skulduggery's hand in hers and cleared her throat.

"We're going out" she said.

Silence.

1000 swords pointed at Skulduggery.

"Um yes" said Valkyrie letting go of his bony hand and standing up.

"Just give me his remains afterwards" she said and walked out of the room closing the door behind her.

Skulduggery looked at the five in front of him.

"You know this means she's a necrophiliac" he said sniggering.

…..

Valkyrie was five meters away from the door but she could still hear everything.

"YOU SICKO. YOU PLAIN SICKO. DO YOU REALISE THE AGE DIFFERENCE!"

"SKULDUGGERY HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO AN INNOCENT GIRL"

"I DISAPROVED OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP AS FRIENDS FROM THE START"

"GOOD LORD IMAGINE THE CHILDREN"

"WHY YOU!? WHY!?"

Valkyrie sighed and shook her head as the distant sound of bones cracking disappeared.

**A/N: Wow, I like fanfictions new set ups. I can write the stories on the site! Yay! **


	4. Chapter 4 The Pervert

**A/N: You know I made this a day after I posted the first chapter. So yes I had three other chapters ready to go but didn't post them.  
Me: I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant  
Valkyrie: There's probably a good reason for that.  
Me: *imagines a world controlled by a pyromaniac* Yes, there probably is.**

Chapter 4: Pervert

It was the one day. The _one_ day. That Valkyrie was forced to go to school for once. And _he_ had his _plans_.

15.00 minutes to go.

Climbing into bedroom closing the window behind him.

14.47

Taking off head and positioning it near the door in the right angle.

13.57

Trying to find somewhere to hide the body.

12.46

Tripping over a pair of underpants

11.23

Recovering from tripping over the pair of underpants

11.17

Contemplating whether to keep the pair of underpants

11.15

Keeping pair of underpants.

10.00

Trying to fit self in wardrobe

5.59

Falling out of wardrobe

4.00

Puting wardrobe back in order

3.47

Hiding under bed.

2.00

Waiting...........

1.00

Waiting...........

..........

Valkyrie was seriously annoyed that she was forced to go to school today. Even if Skulduggery said it was only for one day for the year she still wouldn't be able to forgive him. She hadn't worn a skirt in ages. Why were all girl's uniforms skirts anyway?

She entered the house destraught at the day of school having to go through SIX BLOODY HOURS of PURE TORTURE. When she found her beloved boyfriend skeleton he was going to get it.

She opened her door and stood in the door frame. Some one had been in her room. She looked at the window and around the walls until she looked down near her feet.

Valkyrie looked in shock horror as she saw the skull positioned in a complete position, looking right up her-

...........

00.00

Enjoying the view

-00.34 minutes

Being kicked

-00.35

Being screamed at

-00.56

Having head chucked out the window

-01.07

Having rest of body being chucked out the window

-02.36

Still being screamed at.

-25.58

Still trying to get up and recollect body.

It was worth it.

**A/N: I thought Skulduggery would be a pervert. Don't burn me.**


	5. Chapter 5 That Birthday Present

**A/N: As I am writing this I am being bombarded with ants crawling on the desk- ARGH IT'S A SPIDER (three millimetres small).  
That's it I can't take all of this anymore!  
*pulls a grenade out*  
Concerned Friend: Um, that might be a bit much...  
Me: TRY AND STOP ME! ANY LAST WORDS!?  
Concerned Friend: You don't own Skulduggery Pleasant?  
ME: DAMN RIGHT!  
*Detonates grenade and everything it blown to smithereens*  
At least all the ants are gone now- Frick where's my keyboard!? **

Chapter 5 That Birthday Present

"I got you something"

"You didn't need to" (meaning; 'Hell yes you needed to, and it better be good)

"Just to show how much I care"

"That's really sweet"

Present is handed.

Present is unwrapped.

Present is stared at.

"Skulduggery, this isn't what I think it is"

"I thought you'd like a piece of me everywhere you go"

"This really better not be what I think it is"

"Oh, it is. Well Van Gogh the lower part of his left ear to his girl friend- well a prostitute, but still I'm sure there were affections and I thought 'why not?'"

"_Why not?_ I'll tell you why not Skulduggery Pleasant; I do not want your pinkie finger that was made into a pendant"

"Actually it's a proximal phalange along with the intermediate and distal phalange of my little finger of my left hand; it's been made into a pendant and also has a 18 carat gold necklace"

"Skulduggery, this is not a present that you give your girlfriend for her birthday"

"Who wouldn't want a piece of me for a birthday present?"

"Is your ego seriously that big that you would believe I would want your pinkie finger?"

"My darling you have yet to realise the vast space which is my so called ego. Just to expand on it I'll tell you that birthday present is a part of a set"

"_Oh no_"

"_Oh yes"_

"I hate you"

"I love you too"

**A/N: Don't worry I'm sure Skulduggery has a big chocolate cake and roses waiting for her.**


	6. Chapter 6 That First Kiss

**A/N: Finally a proximity that isn't crawling with ants that wish to bite me while I'm typing! I liked writing these, they give me a chance to use new writing styles.  
I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant. Anyone willing to get it for me as a birthday present?**

Chapter 6 That First Kiss

Valkyrie walked into the room and rolled her eyes setting the ointment on the bedside table. She pulled a chair from under a desk and looked at the skeleton dressed in a hospital gown which lay there its empty sockets staring at the ceiling. The gown (which oddly enough was normal for once) hanged over to skeleton molding into its ribs and distinguished its bones- it would've have made a difference if the skeleton was bare. It's arms were by its side and it lay completely still and straight.

"Skulduggery" she said in an annoyed tone but only silence answered her.

"Skulduggery" she said again. The skeleton did not react.

"Skulduggery. Stop playing dead. We all know you're faking this weird illness" she scolded.

"Ah- but I'm already dead. You can't die twice dear that's frankly impossible" said the skeleton finally. Valkyrie cocked her eyebrows at her teacher, mentor, friend and lover.

"So you finally talk. Are you going to admit you're making this whole sickness up?" she asked. The skeleton's head turned to face her.

"No"

Valkyrie whined.

"Oh, come on. We could be doing so much more interesting things out there!"

"Like what?"

"Fighting bad guys, weirdoes and whatnot! Like we always do!" she cried out with exhilaration. Skulduggery looked back at the ceiling.

"I'm content with lying in my bed" Skulduggery replied.

"You're such a faker. Don't pretend that you can't stand up. You're just doing this to get attention. We all know it. You're such a big egotistical baby!"

"Kenspeckle agrees that I'm sick and I would like you to respect that too Valkyrie" said Skulduggery. Valkyrie frowned because that was true. For once Kenspeckle had sided with Skulduggery and said that he was truly sick and needed to lie down until the medicine had worked in.

"You must have bribed him to play along with your little game" mumbled Valkyrie.

"Sorry dear did you say something?" asked Skulduggery. Valkyrie shook her head in reply and then lay back in the chair to see if the particles of floating dust in the air would entertain her while she waited for Skulduggery to tire out of his joke.

"You seem a bit bored" commented the skeleton.

"Really?"

"Yes"

"Well you're not doing anything to help"

"Well _you_ could"

"How?"

Skulduggery mumbled something that Valkyrie couldn't understand.

"What did you say?"

More mumbling was heard.

"Say it clearer!"

"We haven't kissed yet" he finally answered. His head turned to see her reaction but all the came was silence. She managed a quiet 'oh' and then let the silence stretch.

Valkyrie honestly didn't know what to say and the skeleton was a bit too embarrassed to raise the topic again.

"Do you want to?" she asked, finally mustering her courage.

"Do you?"

"I don't know. How about you?"

"I don't know either" he answered looking at the ceiling again.

The silence crept again.

"I suppose we could" she said Skulduggery looked at her and she stared into the empty sockets suddenly flushed.

"Well- I don't mind. And I guess we've been going out a while. We haven't done much- but. If you want to try, I really don't mind" she said flustered.

"Let's try"

"Okay"

Nobody moved.

"Valkyrie I'm incapable of moving so you're going to have to do it" said Skulduggery.

"Oh!" she said embarrassed at her own actions- she didn't like this, she felt so venerable

She crept from her chair and leaned over the figure. She neared the skull glad that he didn't have had pupils to stare at her even though she knew that if he did they would be looking into her eyes. She closed her eyes when they were an inch apart.

"I hope you bleach"

"You don't clean bones with bleach silly"

And she kissed the skull's mouth gently and slowly, her heart racing that she was sure Skulduggery could hear it too. After a moment or two she quickly sat back into the chair.

"Okay well that's done" she said relieved.

The skeleton sat up and looked at her- And then that's when all hell broke out.

"YOU BIG FAKER!!!" she shouted hitting the skeleton, "TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY EMOTIONS LIKE THAT!!! HOW COULD YOU!?"

"I'm able to sit up now! It was a coincidence that it had the same timing!" said the skeleton trying to protect itself, "Careful please! I'm fragile!"

"FRAGILE! FRAGILE!?" she screamed, "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S FRAGILE-"

"What's all this racket about?" asked Kenspeckle walking in the room, "Ah Skulduggery I see you're up now. That's good the medicine worked"

"Yes but I think it's more of Valkyrie's kiss of life that did the job doctor"

Kenspeckle looked at the enraged face of the young woman and then at the skeleton who seem to have a smug air about him and thought it was best not to know.

…………..

"So I give you an eight out of ten" said Skulduggery as they were driving back.

"Skulduggery" said Valkyrie in a warning tone.

"Next time I think you should improve on-"

ERROR

The next scene is too violent and can not be displayed.

**A/N: Probably too cheesey. I love corny things though, I think it comes with being Asian and watching dramas all the time. Or it's just me (cried reading Beauty and the Beast the picture book) So deep *tears*  
**


	7. Chapter 7 Man Talk

**A/N: Well, well chapter seven. I'm moving on yay! Thinking about doing something like this fanfic for Harry Potter. But I decided I'll do another chapter of Crack since I haven't sorted the ideas out yet.  
Friend: Yay!  
Me: I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant.**

Chapter 7 Man Talk

"So…"

Silence. Silence. Silence.

"There's nothing that has gone bad between us right Fletcher?"

Silence.

"I'm mean just be Valkyrie liked me better in the end doesn't mean that our relationship has wavered or anything. Of course I'll always think of you as that annoying brat and me has the superior mastermind but nothing has changed because _I'm_ going out with _Valkyrie_"

"Oh be quiet Skulduggery"

"What? I'm just making some man talk"

"No you're gloating over how I got rejected by Valkyrie"

"Oh yes, I did _happen_ to hear about that. I was very moved by the way. I think tears shed out of my eye sockets"

"Oh ha ha"

"No, I'm serious here. You must've been such a man to go through the torture she put you through for saying how much better you are than me, how you would be such a better boyfriend than me- even though that is so untrue. Not to mention she beat you so badly that you can't teleport for awhile and I have to drive you around. Of course that's a nuisance and you're a pain in the ass but considering Valkyrie did it for me I think I don't-"

"Okay Skulduggery. She liked you better than me. There. Are you happy?"

"Of course. Ever since she's been dating _me_ I think happiness has been radiating from my body and ever since she moved in with me I think I could die with happiness"

"Go die in a hole"

"Yes I enjoyed our little man talk too"

**A/N: Yes Valkyrie has moved in with Skulduggery. Don't worry I expect that she is twenty-four now as I'm going to mention in that next chapter.**

**Lol, Man Talk.**

**Now I'm putting this information in here because I think Skulduggery Pleasant fans would love it. **

**A few of you might know that Derek Landy went around to various bookshops to talk and promote the series. As a dedicated fan I actually went there (amongst little kids, so I felt a bit misplaced). **

**If you've seen the forth book you shall know that the fifth is coming out this year as well (woot).**

**He's thinking about calling the next book 'Mortal Coil' but it is unsure.**

**The rumors of a movie are true but there are still chances of it not happening.**

**Nine books in the series and the last book shall be black and thankfully he is against any book being pink but other colours would probably be red, gold, silver etc. **

**He is unsure whether Skulduggery or Valkyrie will be alive in the end (nooo)**

**Mr. Bliss has no first name (though I shouted out 'Call him Bob', because how cool would Bob Bliss be.**

**Tanith was originally going to die in the first book but his editor said no so instead she gets tortured in every book (that's why she's been so badly injured)**

**I actually went this thing more than a week ago but I haven't been bothered to type it up. **

**Derek Landy is really funny, as expected and I can see where Skulduggery gets his personality from. The room was packed with kids who were honestly so noisy and annoying but that didn't stop me lining up for half an hour to get a book signed. **

**People who haven't read the fourth book read it now.**


	8. Chapter 8 That Long Night Part 1

**A/N: Took me so long to realize I spelt Delinquent wrongly… I was always a horrible speller came second last in it one year of my school life. So much for being the mathematics nerd who reads the dictionary. I'm a strange Delinquent.  
Readers: We've noticed  
Me: Yep. I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant. If anyone does get it for me can I have an AK47 along with an MP5 too? **

Chapter 8 That Long Night Part 1

"Valkyrie I want to meet your parents" said Skulduggery suddenly while they were driving.

"WHAT!?" Valkyrie screamed and almost lost control of the wheel beneath her fingers.

"Valkyrie just because I'm teaching you to drive doesn't mean you have to kill us both, eyes on the road dear"

"Why would you want to!?" she said glancing from Skuldugery to the road.

"Well we've been dating for four years-" Skulduggery started. 

"-Seven years"

"Fine seven years. And our anniversary is coming close-"

"It was last month, you know the one where you went to the wrong place"

" Fine but we've known each other for what ten years-"

"-Twelve"

"_Twelve_ years. And I realize that- slow down or you'll hit the old lady- I've never done anything formally since we started dating" he finished.

"But Skulduggery you do realize that there is a problem with you seeing my parents and I'm not sure they would like me taking home a person who they can't see an inch of body" reasoned Valkyrie not liking the idea at all. The thought of her parents finding about her magical life gave her chills.

"Yes but I'm sure they know you are mature of enough to know what sort of man you want and why wouldn't they like me- I'm absolutely stunning"

"Skulduggery…"

"Just take it as another step in our relationship, after all you've stopped throwing up on me each time you kiss me"

"Skulduggery please, can we just go on with what we have. I still keep in touch with my parents you know that but we don't really have to. I'm going to have to disappear one day anyway. You've seen them before it's not like you've never met them"

Silence.

"Alright. If you don't feel comfortable with it I guess I can let it pass"

Valkyrie smiled, sighed and eased back into driving, placing a hand on his bony one. That was all over now.

…well that was at least what she thought…

….Later that Week…

"So how is the new place settling in Stephanie?" said her mother putting the bowl of boiled potatoes onto the table. Valkyrie followed with the basket of bread rolls and some butter. How strange it was to be called Stephanie again! Of course her parents always called her Stephanie as they never had found out about the double life she led in the magic realm and Valkyrie hoped to keep it this way.

"It's good mum. I needed to change a few things there but now it's all good" she said, which was true. Skulduggery's place was not fit for an actually human being to live in so she did have to be quite a few changes (to the despair of the distressing skeleton).

"Safe too right?" her mother asked, "I don't want you to be living in any dangerous place Steph. Have you heard all the things that happen nowadays? There was a truck that smashed into a building last week, it was on the news"

_That was me_ thought Valkyrie guiltily. That incident was the whole reason why Skulduggery was teaching her how to drive properly.

"Yes I have close friends that live all around the area so it's all safe" as she followed her mother back into the kitchen to help her with the roast chicken and vegetables.

"I'd like to visit" her mother said- Valkyrie almost dropped the platter at the thought of her mum walking into her new home seeing the shabby place which she now called home and perhaps a skeleton lying in a chair reading.

"Um- Not yet mum. The place isn't ready for visitors yet" she said. _That's true enough_. "Why all this food? Beryl and Fergus aren't coming are they- not the twins- please no"

"No Stephanie they're not coming- I'm expecting other company" her mother said coyly.

"Who?"

"You'll see"

They placed all the food on the table and Valkyrie was in the middle of arranging the knives and forks. Her mother had set the table for four. There was one for a mystery person.

"Hey Steph"

Valkyrie shot her head up to see the familiar figure of her father.

"Hey dad" she said hugging him, "Do you know who is the other person mum invited?"

"Haven't a clue" he answered putting glasses on the table.

The doorbell rang and Valkyrie watched in surprise as her mother sped from the kitchen to open the door before her or dad could even flinch.

"Hello" said her mother's voice, "Come in here we are all ready for you"

The footsteps came closer and her mother and the figure entered the room.

And Stephanie gaped and glared at the same time.

"Hi sweetie" said Skulduggery beneath the layers of clothing.

This was going to be a long night.

**A/N: Now wait for part two. Ooh I'm so ambiguously camp! Especially since I normally post these online when I've already completed another chapter ahead of it. But I'll make you wait. It's fun. And this took me a while to write. At least there's a bit of plot line now.**

**You know I have all these ideas for this story which is basically going through the life of Skulduggery and Valkyrie and the moments they shared but I have no idea how I'm going to end it. Need to think of a way…**


	9. Chapter 9 That Long Night Part 2

**A/N: I started writing this straight after I finished the last chapter. Seem to have a lot of free time now. I've entered my competition entries for various writing competitions, let's hope I win. I would like more money for my book fund. Anyway more time to write more chapters for Crack.  
Skulduggery: What a sad life you live  
Me: I have a comeback which I'm saving for you but I'm not going to use it right now**

**Skulduggery: Well at least you don't own me**

**Me: True. How sad. *sniffle***

Chapter 9 That Long Night Part 2

"Isn't this such a nice surprise!" squealed Valkyrie's mother, she couldn't seem to figure why her daughter was scowling in such an unpleasant way.

"Yes it is" Valkyrie said through her grinding teeth.

"Well Stephanie, introduce him to your father" said her mum. Valkyrie looked at her father and pointed to Skulduggery.

"Dad this is Bruce Pleasant" she said thinking of the lamest name she could think of, "He's my boyfriend" _Though he might not be after tonight_ she thought still cringing at what Skulduggery had done. Her father cocked an eyebrow as Skulduggery waved a gloved hand.

"Nice to meet you sir" said Skulduggery reaching over the table to shake hands with her father. Her father still dumbstruck almost forgot to shake it.

"Shall we have dinner?" her mother said smiling as if the sun would never stop shining.

"Mum, can I have a word with Bruce for a moment" she asked and without waiting for a reply she took Skulduggery by the hand and led him upstairs into her old room ignoring her mother's words of 'How cute they are' back in the dinning room.

Valkyrie pushed Skulduggery in the room and closed the door in a huff.

"I don't see why we need to talk now you can thank me later Valkyrie" said Skulduggery with laughter is his voice. Valkyrie sat him on her bed and paced the room.

"This is not funny Skulduggery. Not funny at all. What if they recognize you? What if they find out you're a skeleton? Mum with have a heart attack!"

"Don't worry I have this all planned out"

"Planned out!? She's expecting you to eat and drink Skulduggery! How on earth are you going to do that? Have you fitted a vacuum cleaner in you?"

"And I have a bag in my ribcage, so it will all fall there"

"And you're dressed like an Eskimo!"

"I have an excuse. Look. Just treat this as payback for forcing me to go to your year twelve prom six years ago"

"You went willingly! You even said it was nice afterwards"

"You threatened to go with Fletcher Renn! And that wouldn't be allowed. I'm sure they would allow _lesbian_ couples. And it wasn't nice at all, some girl threw up all over me, my bones reeked for days"

"Still- I can't believe. Skulduggery. How could- Argh!"

Skulduggery stood up and took her in his arms.

"Don't worry. I have this all planned out. It will be fine"

Valkyrie eased into the familiar embrace.

"But- it's so risky!" she whined.

"I'll handle things. It's only one night"

Valkyrie hugged the thin body underneath the clothing.

"Bruce eh?" said Skulduggery, "So lame. Should of called me something cooler"

"You deserve it" she said breathing in the musky scent of old clothes.

"Well it could've been worse. After all now I'm named after a superhero who dresses up as a bat. At least I'm not a Clark who wears his underpants out side his suit" he commented. Valkyrie laughed softly. Skulduggery kissed her head.

"Come, you're parents are waiting for us"

They went downstairs again Valkyrie having calmed down. She could hear her parents in the dining room still.

"Stephanie Pleasant" said her mother to her father, "How does that sound to you?"

"Entirely pleasant" her joked grimly as they walked in. There was silence for a while until her mother smiled.

"Shall we have dinner?" she said and they all sat down her mother making sure Valkyrie sat next to Skulduggery.

"Don't you want to take of that coat and scarf Bruce?" asked her mother.

_Hurdle No.1 _though Valkyrie.

"No thank you Mrs. Edgley, I'm a bit under the weather and I'm trying to sweat it out" he answered in a polite manner.

"Then those sunglasses?"

"I'm a bit sensitive to light, even the smallest of it I'm afraid. They don't bother you do they? I can take them off-"

"No! No! It's alright leave them on" said her mother quickly. Valkyrie looked at Skulduggery and could see that he would be smiling at her. He was playing the perfect boyfriend for her parents. _If only they knew_.

"So Bruce" said her father still not keen on the though of his precious daughter having a boyfriend, "What do you do for work?" They all had begun to put food on their plate but Skulduggery at first took only a bread roll.

"I work in the police force" he said with the lone roll on his plate, "Undercover stuff most of the time"

"Ah. That's interesting. Is that how you met Stephanie? She works with the police too- Don't you dear" said her mother. Valkyrie stared at Skulduggery's bread roll. He hadn't done anything though her mother and father had started eating.

_What's wrong_ she said sending the words in a strip of air to Skulduggery.

_I've forgotten how to use a knife and fork_ he sent back.

_What?_

_It's been years since I-_

_Just watch me!_

Valkyrie took her cutlery in her hands and started to carved out a leg of chicken for herself and then took some salad. Skulduggery eyed her for a moment and then to her relief he started to put more things into his plate and pretend to eat, maneuvering it around the scarf and into his mouth.

"Yes I work in the police force mum" she said putting a piece of carrot into her mouth.

"You know the funny thing" her mother said to Skulduggery, "Stephanie has never mentioned you Bruce. Never"

"Really?" said Skulduggery faking a surprised tone, "We've been dating for a while"

"I'm just a bit shy" Valkyrie said, "And me not telling you didn't stop him from meeting you it seems".

Her mother laughed.

"That" she said, "Was a most interesting phone call"

"Indeed" said Skulduggery.

"I was very surprised that Stephanie had a boyfriend"

"Why is that" asked Valkyrie.

"Well you never seemed to be interested in anyone during high school and you certainly don't seem to be the type to go after boys. But I guess I'm sort of happy now. That you've found someone"

"How old are you?" asked Valkyrie's father who it would seem was pointing daggers at Skulduggery. _Well he brought it on himself_. Skulduggery faked swallowing his food and answered.

"I'm turning thirty soon" he said.

"Six years difference" said her mother, "Well age doesn't matter nowadays and I guess back in history it was common for a quite a big gap-"

"Any relationships before Stephanie?" said her father. _Yes_ though Valkyrie _Interrogate him! He deserves it!_

"Yes" said Skulduggery, "I was married before but she died seven years ago"

_So he decided to tell them about that…_

"Oh. I'm so sorry to here that" said Valkyrie's mother.

"It's alright. I miss her and I think of her from time to time but it's Stephanie who I love"

Valkyrie choked on a piece of chicken and Skulduggery patted her back.

"How sweet of you" said her mother, "Isn't that right dear"

"Yes, sweet"

"So have you thought about children?"

This time Valkyrie had to cough several pieces of food out into a napkin and Skulduggery had to stop food from almost falling out of his mouth.

"Well we-" Skulduggery started.

"We haven't gotten that far mum"

"Children are a serious issue"

"We won't be thinking about that for a long time"

"We would need to be prepared"

"I'm still young mum"

"I know, I know" said her mother, "But still children are nice to think about. Which reminds me of this fantastic wedding dress from Valkyrie's grandmother. Absolutely splendid. Would you like to see Bruce?"

"I think another time Mrs. Edgley" said Skulduggery still recovering from the last discussion.

"Of course" replied Stephanie's mother, "I wouldn't want to impose on you too much after all this is the first time we have met in person. But you seem like a good fellow. Valkyrie must be very happy; I hope you see her a lot"

"Oh yes will live together so we get to see each other a lot" answered Skulduggery. Valkyrie almost broke the plate with the knife she was using to carve some chicken. Her mother and father were silent and looked from Skulduggery to Valkyrie.

"She hasn't told you" Skulduggery noted as the silence continued.

"No, Valkyrie seemed to forgot that" her father said looking as if he was about to kill Skulduggery, just like any father would if he knew someone who was a complete stranger to himself was living with his most beloved daughter.

"Yes, I think I just forgot to mention that" she said.

"Well it's nice to see you two are so confident about your relationship. Not many young couples could survive a move in" her mother commented trying to bring the conversation alive.

"Well, we care for each other a lot" Valkyrie said, "And we are quite happy living together. Really. We help each other in our work as well, with the rent so it's all good"

Her father looked sadly at her. His little girl was growing up…

They finished eating and moved onto dessert. Her dad stopped acting too hostile to Skulduggery after they had a conversation about their favourite songs and sports teams and her mother went on and on about embarrassing topics but Valkyrie managed stopped her from taking out a photo album. This amused Skulduggery. By the time Valkyrie had managed to peel Skulduggery and herself away from her parents she was worn out.

"Drive safe dear. Please visit more often, you too Bruce. We would love to see you at anytime" said her mother on the door steps of the house. Valkyrie smiled and waved goodbye and entered the Bentley.

"See that wasn't too bad" said Skulduggery. Valkyrie sighed rubbing her temples.

"They tried to get you to wear my grandfather's tux"

"Well it was alright. We're alive aren't we?"

"I don't see why anyone would want to go through that. Let's go home please"

Skulduggery started the car and started to drive.

"Valkyrie would you marry someone like me?"

"What?"

"I'm just asking. Your mum made me think a bit. It's just that you know how much you'll be giving up"

Valkyrie was silent. She hadn't though about it at all, but now her mind ran through all the conversations her mother had pulled up. Would that be possible with Skulduggery.

"Magic makes you live longer do you think you could live a long time and not miss a normal life"

"Life's never normal"

"A life where you could live without fear of getting attacked, have children, watch them grow up and die most likely in a peaceful way. You'll miss that one day. And with me you now children are really impossible"

"You mean a life without magic you mean and without my wonderfully egotistical boyfriend" she said.

"Without your wonderfully egotistical boyfriend" he repeated.

Valkyrie succumbed to the silence again.

"I like life this way. I can't leave it now. And I'll miss you too much" she added she took his gloved hand and smiled at him.

"And children aren't totally impossible" she said.

"Valkyrie if we adopted a baby we would be ruining the life of an innocent human being"

"Still not impossible. It would have an awfully fun childhood and a great mother"

"And I guess it would have the most brilliant father on the planet"

"We'll see Skulduggery" she said as they arrived at their home, "There's a lot of time a head of us".

"I love you" said Skulduggery.

Valkyrie smiled.

"I love you too"

They continued driving while Valkyrie smiled contentedly.

"Would you marry someone like me Skulduggery?" she asked when they were nearly home.

"Oh look we have some mail!" said Skulduggery as they parked the car.

"Skulduggery you didn't answer me" she said getting out of the car.

Skulduggery ran for the door.

"Skulduggery!"

**A/N: SOO CORNY! YAY! Wow some actual plot in this story. Didn't think I'd be able to pull it off did you? Soo long too. I can't believe how long. Next chapters will be shorter and probably less serious (I need a break). In the word document this is over six pages. If I didn't split this one it would be sooo long. Wah almost 2000 words.**

**I find writing these very enjoyable. I get to test out different writing styles and everything. **


	10. Chapter 10 Secrets of the Heart

**A/N: Coffee is so good. Yummy, just the caffeine I needed to start writing. Hmm let's see what this one is going to be about, I haven't decided. Oh well let's just keep typing and see if I get any ideas for this fanfic for Skulduggery Pleasant (which I don't own)  
Skulduggery: You know these beginnings are really annoying, just write the story already  
Me: You should be nicer to me  
Skulduggery: Why?  
Me: I could've made this a Fletcher and Valkyrie fic  
Skulduggery: …  
Me: Yeah you better bow down (though I'd never write a Fletcher Valkyrie fic. I hate Fletcher)**

Chapter 10 **(wow chapter 10 already)** Secrets of the Heart

"Skulduggery?"

"Yes dear?"

"Do you wear underpants?"

"What?"

"Do you wear underpants?" Valkyrie repeated looking into his empty sockets. They were on the bed like every evening (which they were catching bad guys), since Valkyrie had forced Skulduggery out of his perfectly comfortable chair which he would meditate in when there was nothing to do. Most nights he crept back to his chair once Valkyrie had fallen asleep and sat back on the spacious double bed before she awoke in the morning.

Still, after dating for a considerable long time there was going to be a few 'topics' that they hadn't covered- well every couple has it's secrets.

"Is that important?" Skulduggery asked his tone trying to drift to another topic.

"Well, I was just curious" Valkyrie answered, "We've known each other for ages and I've never really known. You never really seem to get dressed that much".

"Yes but is whether I wear underpants on or not really a relevant question for our relationship?"

"Don't change the subject to our relationship. It's a simple question Skulduggery. Do you or do you not wear underpants?" said Valkyrie sternly. Skulduggery paused looking quite dumbstruck (if skeletons can look that way). He stared at her for another moment as she awaited his answer and then turned back to the book he was reading.

"Its touchy subject" he said trying to concentrate on his book.

"Touchy?" said Valkyrie unbelieving.

"Yes" confirmed Skulduggery remembering the dear memories, "It's touchy".

"Well" Valkyrie started crawling closer to Skulduggery, "What's so touchy about it?"

"It… just bring back some memories. Can we talk about something else now?" asked Skulduggery, this was his last chance out of this conversation.

"No, no. I want to hear it… Oh come on Skulduggery, I've known you for ages and if the topic is so touchy maybe I can help a bit?" Valkyrie said when Skulduggery gave no reply. Skulduggery looked at her. She was doing the puppy eyes. No man on earth could resist her puppy eyes. Not even Chuck Norris who uses sandpaper to scratch his but.

"It was a long time ago…" said Skulduggery slowly giving in. She put her arm around his shoulders.

"And? Where you still your normal self back then? You know- flesh and blood?" said Valkyrie in a king understanding voice.

Skulduggery nodded sadly.

"What happened?"

Skulduggery bent his head down in remorse.

"I had this pair. Of big bloomers. Oh but you wouldn't understand" he stopped in a tragic way. Valkyrie ignored this. Skulduggery could be the happiest man on earth and still sound upset if it suited him.

"I'll understand" she said going along with his sadness, "I'm here for you". Then suddenly Skulduggery clutched her in his bony arms. Surprised Valkyrie patted his back soothingly.

"I loved those bloomers. They were the comfiest pair of bloomers the world could ever make. I would wear them for days without washing" he continued. Valkyrie though slightly disturbed heard his voice cracking and the deep sadness. Could this egotistical, cold, sarcastic and heartless man still feel sadness about something so irrational?

"What happened to them?" asked Valkyrie.

"Burned. With parts of my flesh when I died. To remain with me always" he finished and then started to sob though no tears could come out of those dry sockets.

"Oh the horror!" wailed Skulduggery. Valkyrie held him close. Nobody can resist Skulduggery Pleasant. Not even Chuck Norris who doesn't even cry when chopping onions (the onions cry when being chopped by Chuck Norris).

"It's alright, it's alright" repeated Valkyrie, "Couldn't you buy a new pair? By the same maker?"

"I did" sobbed Skulduggery, "But. Being bones… they fell straight off!"

Valkyrie even started to shed tears for this unknown pair of bloomers, whose ashes lay somewhere distant and far away.

So she clung onto the mass of bones in her arms and soothed lovingly until the sun rose.

…..The Next Day…..

"So Skulduggery" said Ghastly cutting a piece of pink fabric speckled with a floral design. It was going to be Tanith's birthday present, "Did you show how sensitive you were?"

"Yes I did" answered Skulduggery in a rather amused tone, "And you know what? She completely fell it"

Ghastly chuckled wickedly.

"I told you so. Now when ever she gets mad at you just bring it up and- instant sympathy" said Ghastly.

"Yes, yes. A wonderfully brilliant plan you came up with my friend" replied Skulduggery.

"What story did you make up anyway?" asked Ghastly. Skulduggery chuckled.

"I told her that I used to have a favorite pair of bloomers which got burnt and how I could get over them" said Skulduggery, Ghastly balled with laughter.

"And she believed you!?" said Ghastly at the thought of Valkyrie going soft at an underpants story.

"Well I am the greatest actor to walk the earth" said Skulduggery.

"You're a genius Skulduggery" said his friend.

"I know, I know" he concurred.

But as he looked out the window to the setting sun lying back on the buildings in the horizon he felt a deep sadness come upon him.

_I'll always remember you my dear, dear bloomers. You are the secret of my heart. I will always remember you _he thought as a bird flew past.

_Always_

And no one could feel the deep sadness or even comprehend the feelings he felt in those moments…

Not even Chuck Norris.

**A/N: Chuck Norris rules kiddies! Next time you get a test paper write Chuck Norris as the answer because Chuck Norris is**_** always**_** right.**

**Haven't made the next chapter yet... need to work on that...  
**


	11. Chapter 11 That Fight and Break Up

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait. I've been busy and I posted the last chapter without making sure I had the next chapter ready so I could upload weekly (ish)…  
I'm sure you guys know I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant  
Fletcher: Wow, you actually just did the disclaimer normally without any funny or weird lines**

**Me: And you know you just ruined it now  
Fletcher: Dammit!  
Me: You're an idiot.**

Chapter 11 That Fight and Break Up

Of course she was annoyed. It was just like a normal couple (if Skulduggery and herself could ever be considered normal). The man would sit on the couch watch the television unmoved by anything while the woman looked over constantly desiring to talk to him.

Except it was even more infuriating as Skulduggery was not watching the television but sitting on a chair staring into blank space, doing nothing and still refusing to talk to her. It truly made her want to start a fight.

Didn't he know how much she wanted to talk to him? After all it was the first day that they had worked separately (she had taken a case with Tanith and he had taken another with Ghastly) and she had so much to tell him. How they found a creepy, blind, snake guy who was keep a werewolf as a pet and then a little old lady who was part troll. It was so interesting!

"So how was your day Skulduggery?" she asked him casually, her eyes penetrating the back of his chair.

There was quiet for a moment.

"Fine"

Just fine and he said it like it was nothing. The first time they had spent not working together in years and that was all he could say.

"What did you and Ghastly do?"

Silence.

"Not much" he finally answered.

It was maddening.

"You are not going ask me what I did?"

"No"

Cringing she went on with writing down in her journal (not a diary a journal, the Sanctuary made employees give a monthly journey of all their cases).

"You don't want to talk to me at all?"

"No" that hurt.

"Is there anything you are doing right now?"

"Not really"

"Then can you talk to me?"

"No"

She slammed her pen on the desk.

"Why not!"

"I'm thinking"

"And so you can't talk to me?"

"No"

…

"What are you thinking about?"

"Well I'm not sure, how to put this. So I think I'll just take a big leap" he said and got out of his chair and stood next to the seated Valkyrie…

…and then he got down on one knee…

OMIGOSH OMIGOSH OMIGOSH OMIGOSH

"Valkyrie Cain" said Skulduggery reaching into his pocket. Valkyrie could help but feel the heat come to her cheeks and her heart race like fire.

He pulled out his hand and opened it and inside was-

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Valkyrie was shocked.

And then Skulduggery laughed.

"Can't believe you fell for that. Now leave me alone damn woman, I'm busy" he said and sat back in his chair.

Valkyrie felt tears prickling in her eyes. She stood up and felt her knees buckle.

"You're the worst Skulduggery" she said flatly and ran out of the room leaving the surprised Skulduggery alone.

She sat on the steps and cried. He was always so mean to her. Why can't he ever be kind and compassionate for once! Just once she was asking for him to actually do something nice or romantic without any sardonic or sarcastic loose ends to it.

For once she just wanted to be normal. Have a normal life and a normal boyfriend.

How out of character was it for her to cry! She felt so stupid. She was supposed to be the strong woman who stood besides the most annoying but brilliant detective on the planet.

She heard the door open and close but she didn't look back (rather bury her head in her hands in despair that he would see her like this).

"I'm sorry" he sincerely said. She tried to answer but all that came out was a hiccup.

He sat down next to her and stayed silent.

"I didn't think you would react that way" he said and she could hear the guilt in his voice.

"I'm sorry too" she said and leant against his shoulder. He wrapped a bony arm around her.

"For what? You didn't do anything wrong" 

"I don't know. Hearing you actually saying something sincere makes me feel sorry"

He held her closer. She liked the feeling.

"Hey listen Valkyrie" he started, "Maybe this isn't going to work out between us"

That was a shock for her.

"What?" she said looking up at him, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I definitely think I'm not the right person for you. You deserve much better than me and I can tell that sometimes you wish that things were different- that I was someone else. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying you don't love me because as we know I am absolutely brilliant but can you really see us together in the future? Hundreds of years later, well if we haven't been killed yet, us together, you probably looking ancient and I still remaining in my unnatural beauty. Can you really see that?"

Valkyrie thought.

"Can you see it?" she asked.

The skeleton held her closer resting his head on her shoulder. Curling and hiding away as if he was finally closing down all his defenses of sarcasm and fake arrogance and let out a simple and small-

"Yes"

Valkyrie moved so she could see his skull better.

"Most definitely yes" he continued. She smiled softly.

"Me too" she said and hugged him.

"I can't see a world without you Skulduggery. I wouldn't want one without you. And yes you can be unbearable sometimes, idiotic and stupid but I can get past that"

"And I'll try to be more considerate of when you are suffering from PMS" he said and hugged her back.

"Ha, ha very funny"

"I know. I'm a genius comedian"

They hugged for a while longer and the decided to go back into their apartment.

"Was you're whole attitude since you got home was because we didn't work together today. Was that why you seemed so quiet?" she asked as they walked up steps hand in hand.

"Hm? Oh no. I had a blast of a time without you. Ghastly makes such a better partner"

"You can shut up now"

"I love you"

"I love you too"

**A/N Woops forgot to put '…well almost' in the title. Hopefully I didn't scare you guys cause I would hate to do that. **

**Well I didn't win any of the competitions I entered (but that isn't stopping me from buying all my beloved books). Still…sad…**

**I wrote this all with a keyboard which I have to press 'u' multiple times until it came up. See how I labor for you?**


	12. Chapter 12 That Which Concerns Babies

**A/N: Ten reviews were received after I posted the last chapter… You know this means you will have to top it off or at least get the same number for this one? I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant and apparently I don't own this 'u' button either…damn keyboard.**

Before reading I want you to know the trouble I went through writing this. I have all the other chapters set out after this one but I just don't know what this should be. Honestly. So I'm sorry but this chapter will be like a filler chapter… hope it's alright…

Chapter 12 That Which Concerns Babies

It was a lovely warm and sunny day of autumn. Everything seemed just perfect. Skulduggery and Valkyrie had the day off (they started to work with each other again after a matter of days being apart-

-this included a teary parting between Skulduggery and Ghastly which was played very well with the most beautifully corny lines that Valkyrie and Tanith spent the next ten minutes in the bathroom throwing up)and they were perfectly happy sitting in Tanith's sister's backyard watching Tanith play with her little niece. Skulduggery who unfortunately wasn't watching the heart warming moment but reading a book and pretending to be a statue (Valkyrie turned the pages for him) because Tanith's sister was too worried that he'd frighten the baby.

Valkyrie on the other hand watched Tanith play with her little niece who had the most lovely blushing faces and beautiful blonde locks and not to mention a gorgeous button nose. She smiled softly and sighed as she watched the two, play.

Skulduggery could sense something wasn't right.

"What is it?" he asked not moving his jaw (he doesn't have to remember?)

"Nothing" Valkyrie said, smiled and sighed again.

Skulduggery was getting worried now.

"Honey, are you alright?"

"I'm fine she said" still looking lovingly at the baby, linking her arm around Skulduggery's and resting her head on his shoulder.

Skulduggery waited for a while still concerned at the current daze his girlfriend was in. Valkyrie wasn't the kind of girl to go mushy. He eyed the baby that gurgled joyfully and then looked back at Valkyrie.

"Skulduggery" Valkyrie said.

"Yes?" said Skulduggery prepared for anything-

"I want a baby"

-anything except that.

"What!" said Skulduggery a little to loud followed by the glare of Tanith and he resumed his frozen state.

"Honey, don't you think you're thinking a bit rashly about this?" he said in a rushed whisper.

"But look at her! She is so cute! Wouldn't it be wonderful Skulduggery?"

"You're having your period aren't you?"

"Oh come on!" (cause he was right ^_^) "I'm serious about this!" she retorted.

"Valkyrie a baby is a very serious- um- thing. You need to think carefully about this"

"But I have!"

"For more than five minutes"

"But Skulduggery!" she said and then looked into his eye sockets and pouted, "I feel really good about this!"

Skulduggery couldn't bear to look in her eyes. Thank God he did have actually eyes so even though she thought he was looking at her he was evading the stare and was in fact looking a small bird in a nearby pine tree.

"I'm not sure" he said, "We aren't even married, Valkyrie. At least give it a year or two to think about"

"Fine" said Valkyrie giving in. She stood up and started to walk over to Tanith.

"I'll just steal one then" she said turning back to Skulduggery and continued walking with a smile on her face.

Skulduggery was about to go into cardio arrest… even though he didn't have a heart.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX^_^XOXOXOXOXOOXOXOOXXOXO

"Tanith" Valkyrie said giddily as she walked over to her and sat down on the grass.

"I did it" she said and giggled more.

"How did he take it?" asked Tanith laughing.

"It was hilarious! That's for all the things he's done for me. I think I'll continue this act for a few more weeks"

"Brilliant. Oh, I've got another idea to haunt him"

"Great"

And so the two evilly minded women went on with their mastermind plans to get revenge on a certain skeleton.

**A/N: Hope it wasn't too bad. This was done on a lack of inspiration. But the next chapters are going to be better.**

**I always wanted a chapter where Valkyrie gets back at Skulduggery. There is more to come later but this is just for this chapter….**


	13. Chapter 13 Just a Monthly Procedure

**I've been lazy in updating this… well at least I'm doing one a week… sort of…**

I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant, Derek Landy does. I wonder how Skulduggery feels about that…

Chapter 13 Just a Monthly Procedure

"Skulduggery I'm leaving you"

"Uh-huh"

"I'm serious"

"Of course honey"

"I'm packed and everything, ready to leave"

"I know. I saw your bags when I came home"

"I'm leaving you"

"Whatever you say sweetie"

"Skulduggery! I'm _leaving_ you"

"I know"

"See I'm walking out the door"

"You forgot your bags"

"_Fine_. I'm walking out the door with my bags. I'm leaving now"

"Okay"

"Good bye"

"See you later"

"There is no _later_ Skulduggery don't you get it?"

"I understand the situation perfectly well"

"You know what. I don't care if you say goodbye anymore"

"That's nice"

"Good bye Skulduggery. I can't believe I wasted all this time on you"

"Yep. What time will you be back then?"

And with an angry grunt she walked out the door slamming it behind her.

Skulduggery remained in his seat looking at the wall, thinking;

3

2

1

The door opened again.

"Don't say anything Skulduggery. Don't you dare"

Skulduggery smiled (if he could).

"Yes, love"

He stood up and followed her to the bedroom where she put her bags on the bed and opened them up. She glared at his entrance.

"Next month, it will be the real thing Skulduggery. I warn you"

He looked at her knowing that there was no one else for him on the entire planet but her.

"Of course, Mrs. Pleasant"

And he helped her unpack.

**A/N:  
**

**Squeee! Mrs. Pleasant. Yeah, I married them. I think I'll do a wedding scene though, maybe an engagement scene too or maybe a scene where Skulduggery asks Valkyrie's parents for her hand in marriage.**

**Would you guys like that?**


	14. Chapter 14 Love Thy In Laws

**A/N: No it isn't a wedding scene, an engagement scene or whatever. But they will come in time (even though they are already married) but no fear I have a plan in mind. In the meanwhile enjoy!**

**I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant but after I get loads of money from selling books and art hopefully I can buy it of Derek Landy. Now I just need to start drawing and writing… (telling myself this for ages)**

Chapter 14 Love Thy In Laws

The years went by.

Lovely (most of the time) years of marriage and partnership between Mr. and Mrs. Pleasant.

They moved into Uncle Gordon's house which was enough space for the couple, unfortunately it would take a massive dome the size of Europe to fit Skulduggery's ego in any place but they managed.

They watched Tanith and Ghastly get married and have a beautiful baby boy called A.J. and in the meantime Valkyrie was 36 still looking like she wasn't a day over twenty **(don't I wish I could be her)** and living with Skulduggery. 

While Skulduggery was waiting for that ill fated day…

…when Valkyrie's motherly instinct kicked in.

And so they adopted. (since they couldn't really have a baby of their own)

And so Skulduggery started his tumbled down the road of regret.

Nicholas James Pleasant was everything Skulduggery wasn't.

He was cute, adorable, innocent, loving and he captured his mother's heart.

Which meant Valkyrie didn't spend time with him.

It was always.

"Look after the baby"

"Can you change Nicky's diaper please?"

"It's your turn this time"

"Skulduggery you'll scare him go away"

Why? Why had his dear, dear Valkyrie gone away from him?

Oh how he longed for a touch and how he longed for some attention. After all he did love attention so much.

And then she left Nicky with him when she had to go to Italy for a mission with Tanith.

Skulduggery looked at the baby in his arms. He was turning one soon, his eyes were green and he had brown hair. That was a good start for a sorcerer. Green eyes or red hair were always a magical omen.

Nicky gurgled and laughed and reached out for his father's skull.

Skulduggery softened. Maybe he wasn't so bad after all.

And then he decided to cry and 2 minutes and 34 seconds into babysitting Skulduggery couldn't stand it anymore.

He was going to _her_.

Skulduggery knocked on the door. Such a typical house for her. A cottage and a farm. So sweet and perfect looking but in reality things weren't that sweet.

The door opened.

"Hello?"

Dead black eyes stared at him.

"Oh"

Dead black eyes stared at the baby.

"Oh hell Skulduggery, what have you done now"

The small thin woman looked at him as if she wasn't about to kill him (which might've been true). She was probably a foot shorter than him, her hair was black and her eyes were green like Nicky's.

"Hi Bo"

She groaned, took Nicky from him and ushered him in.

"Listen Bo, I'm really glad for this favor and all" he said walking into the cottage.

"Shut up Skulduggery, I've known you for too long" she answered cradling Nicky.

"Who's baby is it?" she asked.

"Mine"

A moment of silence

"I don't see how that works"

"I sent you a wedding invitation for both you and Conner. You know I'm married" he said.

"Just because you were having a wedding doesn't mean you're married. She should've left you at the alter" commented Bo, she walked into a kitchen and pulled out a baby bottle from a drawer.

"Valkyrie wouldn't do that" Skulduggery said taking a seat, "I'm too perfect to resist"

"Your brother was too" she said harshly. Skulduggery was upset now.

"I did what I could Bo. You know that"

"But you didn't go the full way. Ben had a wife and children who needed him and you- well the world knows that they could've lasted without you"

"Fine, it was my fault Ben died are you happy? I didn't save him because I was the biggest narcissist on the planet. I murdered my own brother"

Bo was quiet and he calmed down. Bo looked at Nicky and fed him some warm milk.

"I know you did what you could Skulduggery. I'm sorry" she said softly.

"Don't worry. You're not the only one that misses him"

"Cute kid. To bad he's going to you as a father. What his mother like?"

"You are never meeting her. The hell you two would cause freaks me out"

"Is that so?" Bo said and smiled wickedly. Skulduggery glared at her.

"Oh come on Skully, why can't your sister in law see your own wife. It's not like I'd plot with her to kill you"

"Not in your life Bo"

"It would be fun. What's the baby's name again?"

"Nicky. Nicholas Pleasant"

"Hello Nicky" Bo cooed at the baby, "I'm Auntie Bo, I'm here so you don't grow up like your father. Good thing you're adopted because your daddy should never reproduce"

"Who are you kidding Bo. If everyone on this planet was my child the world will be a better place"

"And for a guy without his manhood you certainly have an ego"

"That hurts Bo"

"But its true" she said and cackled, "If Ben was alive your life would be a living hell, you know"

"Yes, you two were the evil duo of my life. Big brother who was always better than me in every single way and you who was the sadist of the century. You two made a lovely couple and bred like rabbits. Where is Conner anyway? He was living with you for the time being wasn't he?"

"Yeah. Just wait a moment. Conner!" she belted out putting a spell on Nicky's ears.

"Yeah!"

"Uncle Skully is here!"

"Skully? Oh! Okay, I'll get the restraining devices!"

"No need, I've got him pinned!"

"Really? How did you do that?"

"I've got his baby!"

"Shit. What has he done now! Wait!"

A moment of silence.

"I don't get how that works!" came the voice.

"Just come down!" shouted Bo. There were heavy footsteps pounded on steps meeting the floor and entering the kitchen. Conner looked like he was in his early twenties. Having used magic all his life had had a heavy impact on his life even if he was a few centuries old. Sandy brown hair and brown eyes made his face like his father's.

"Hey Uncle Skully! How the hell did you have a baby?" said the man patting Skulduggery's back rather harshly.

"I adopted" Skulduggery said.

"Hey Mom, you sure he hasn't killed someone and taken their baby?" said Conner.

"Be nice to your Uncle, Conner" Bo instructed.

"Cute baby. Pity you're his father, he might've stood a chance" said Conner.

"Why?" asked Skulduggery, "Why are you guys always mocking me? Even though I so wonderful"

"You know Uncle Skully for a guy without his man-"

"You're mother has already said that"

"Dammit Mom. Leave me a few good ones. I told you before"

"I hate you guys"

"We're some of the very little family you have. Be nice to us"

"Okay so how do I take care of Nicky?"

"Here" said Bo as a thick book appeared her hand.

Skulduggery took it.

"Babysitting for Idiots written by Beatrice Harper. Gee thanks Bo"

She handed Nicky to him and they walked to the door.

"Take care of him Skulduggery. And I'm going to meet your wife soon enough" said Bo.

"Skully has a babe? You serious mom?"

"Don't worry Bo I will" he said as he put Nicky into the baby seat and went into the car.

"Be a good boy little Skully" Bo said and kissed Skulduggery's cheekbone through the car window. And Skulduggery drove off.

"Oh come on Mom when can we kill him?" asked Conner.

"Next time sweetie. Next time. We'll rally up your brothers and sisters and then we'll kill him"

"I wonder what he's done with that bone of his that I made into a recorder?"

"Who knows? Anyway. Don't worry I've gotten my payment for the help I gave him" 

Valkyrie had come back home and was playing with Skulduggery's bone recorder to entertain Nicky when she noticed a handkerchief wrapped around his neck with a name stitched on it.

"Skulduggery?" 

"Yeah?"

"Who is this Beatrice?"

"Damn you Bo"

**A/N: I always thought that Skulduggery would be the character to had a big brother who would torture him in the past. But no one would know about him. And so I wrote him in.**

**The way I pictured it was Ben and Bo were the ones who would tease Skulduggery when he was little** **and Skulduggery would continue to get teased in the future as little Skully. They all grew up together and Ben and Bo would marry when they were young and have lots of kids. **

**Ben and Bo had seven kids by the way, Emily, David, James, Phillip, Sarah and Lilly (they're twins) and Conner is the youngest, he was five when his father died. **

**They all take after their parents and love to tease their Uncle Skully. **


	15. Chapter 15 Man Talk Again

**A/N: I love pie, but not as much as I would love owning Skulduggery Pleasant, because that would be sick**

Chapter 15 That Man Talk... Again...

"So Fletchy my ol' mate. What brings you here to our humble abode today?" said Skulduggery in an amused tone with the slightest hint of sarcasm. For once he felt very mature, he hadn't felt like this since Fletcher and Valkyrie were teenagers.

He sat in his new favourite armchair (the last one was burned to ashes in one of Valkyrie's rages and now resting in a jar on the mantelpiece) looking at the small timid Fletcher sitting down in a chair Skulduggery was supposed to fix ages ago.

"Well Mr. Pleasant"

"Please. Call me Skulduggery, Mr. Pleasant was my father"

"Yes, well Skulduggery. We haven't seen each other for a while now and I know it maybe strange me coming her for advice"

"It isn't strange at all Fletchy-boy"

"It isn't?"

"No in fact I know the exact reason why you've come here"

"You do?"

"Nah. I just wanted to sound cool. Anyway, go on" 

"Yes well, as you know I recently met a young woman"

"Ah yes, I think the Mrs. mentioned that a year or so ago. Don't look at me like that boy, you know my memory is endless."

"Uh yes" said Fletcher. Skulduggery was surprised how much Fletcher had changed. He still had his awesome hair of course but other than that he had matured quite a bit and lost a bit of his ego too, such a pity…

"I have decided that I wanted to propose to her and I would like some advice"

This shocked Skulduggery a bit.

Because Fletcher had dated his wife many years ago was asking him for advice.

He was actually dumbstruck that even if the almighty Skulduggery gave someone like Fletcher advice. He still might not be able to complete his mission (because who would marry Fletcher?) And his advice was supposed to be the bomb

"You want me to give you advice on how to propose?"

"Yes"

"Why? Why me? Wait. Why not me? I'm a genius"

"Yes uh, I was focused more on the fact that you could propose to a woman like *cough* Valkyrie and uh, she would actually accept. So I thought if you can make a proposal awesome enough for Valkyrie to accept, you could help me with mine"

"Hmm… I'm not to sure, it seems like everyone wants a piece of Skulduggery nowadays"

"Please. I would be very thankful"

"Oh alright then"

"Okay, great. So how did you propose to Valkyrie?"

"Well, it was after she came home from work. She had just handed in some files and visited Kenspeckle after a big day and I knew she was looking forward to a good night sleep. But when she got home waiting to bask in my glory she found something"

"Which was?"

"I had for once, cleaned the room, made a beautiful dinner, lit some candles and had some beautiful music playing"

"Wow, that's good"

"Yes of course it was. And after I had served her, her meal I bent down on one knee and gave her a ring asking whether she would marry me or not"

"And she said yes?"

"Of course she did"

"Wow, Valkyrie can be a romantic"

"Yes, but it was more because I did it, because normally that would be extremely out of character. I mean, could you imagine me cleaning?"

"No. Well thank you very much Skulduggery. I think I have some ideas now"

"Yes very well Fletcher"

"Good night Skulduggery"

"Bye Fletchy"

And as Fletchy left the house Valkyrie came back home with a little Nicky in her arms.

"What was Fletcher doing here?"

"Oh I was telling him about how I proposed to you"

"Why?"

"Some advice, he wants to propose to his girlfriend"

"Skulduggery…"

"What?"

"I said 'no' the first time you proposed"

"But I could see you were moved"

"The candles nearly lit the house on fire, the music was horrible and the food was charcoal"

"Yes, well I tried didn't I?"

"And we got engaged when I proposed to you not when you proposed to me"

"Yes that was very manly of you. Great way to make me feel more secure about my manhood"

"Skulduggery, I'm going to get Fletcher right now"

"Oh don't worry about it. The advice I gave him will suffice"

"How so?"

"Because any girl dumb enough is a miracle already"

"Skulduggery Pleasant you strange, strange man"

"Yes I enjoyed this man talk too"

**A/N: Wow a lot more Fletcher Renn bashing then I intended.**


	16. Chapter 16 The Pain of a Wounded Ego

**A/N: Sorry I have taken so long to update but alas I'll get there! I  
don't own Skulduggery Pleasant but as soon as I change my name to  
Chuck Norris I'll try and buy it.**

Chapter 16 The Pain of a Wounded Ego

Skulduggery was in a bar, not his normal environment but his job at  
the moment required him to be in a bar. Not a normal bar either but a  
bar full of sorcerers and all sort of creature that the human world  
were privy from. As he watched the bartender (who he thought was part  
dwarf) go into the mysterious back door to get what he ordered another  
sat into the chair next to him.

"Hey Skulduggery" said the newcomer. Skulduggery looked over as Narcis  
Rice sat next to him. Now Narcis was China's new boyfriend. Ever since  
Valkyrie and himself had married and basically everyone else paired up  
as well China had feared to always live her life as a dreadfully  
beautiful but altogether single and doomed to live as a spinster. Of  
course as China could get any man she wanted she started to go through  
boyfriends like dirty tissues.

Narcis had lasted three weeks now which was more than the average but  
Skulduggery knew it wouldn't ever last. He was very handsome though,  
tanned blonde and tall. Next to China you would think they were pieces  
of artworks that had been sculpted into absolute beauty. They were a  
matching couple there was no doubt about that but Narcis was just a  
tad bit vain and wasn't much of a magic user either.

In conclusion Skulduggery didn't like him.

"Hello Rice" he said in returned, being as polite as he could bear.

"What brings you here. You don't normally drink" said Narcis as he  
motioned the other bartender to get him a drink. However dumb the  
question was Skulduggery decided to entertain him.

"Yes, well I'm here strictly on business"

"Ah the working man" said Narcis taking a sip of his drink, "That  
makes sense now. After all you can't really drink can you? I've always  
wondered how you have managed. I would miss too much of by actual  
body. Unable to look handsome ever again, children and women looking  
at you and feeling repulsed by a skeleton"

Skulduggery, a tad bit wounded now, changed to subject.

"How is China?" he asked knowing the conversation would drift from  
his body image.

"Oh she's great, happy as can be. We were made for each other China  
and I. I don't care what everyone says about her, saying that she'll  
be over me in a week and move on to another handsome fellow. We will  
last trust me. I mean. Just look at us we look as if we are suited for  
each other don't we?"

Skulduggery nodded as he silently wished that bartender would come  
back awfully soon.

"I've really outdone myself. Of course I can get any woman I take my  
fancy on but China, is really on my level for once. Together I can  
just see our future. We'll be married have beautiful children and  
hopefully the world would be a more beautiful place" he said checking  
his reflection in a pocket mirror, "No offense Skulduggery mate but  
you aren't the looker"

Skulduggery felt his bones crack, slowly in pain as he continued.

"I mean you've done very well with Mrs. Pleasant. I was very surprised  
by that but gee I don't think you'll ever be the same. You've got a  
son right?"

"Yes, Nicky"

"Yeah well, imagine your child never looking at you in the same way.  
You'll never be a normal father to him I guess and all those other  
children will have actual, you know fathers"

Crack, Crack, Crack.

Went Skulduggery's bones and ego at the same time.

"And your wife too. Having a skeleton as a husband. Has it ever  
occurred to you that your wife could maybe never think of you as  
attractive, I guess it would be hard for her to get along with you.  
Have you ever thought of that?"

"No"

"Yeah well, I'd be worried if I were you, honestly"

The bartender finally came back and handed a small box to Skulduggery.  
Skulduggery put it in his jacket and stood up.

"Well it's been nice talking to you Rice" he said and left with all  
that remained of his ego.

When Skulduggery came home that night Valkyrie could tell something  
was absolutely wrong. He was quiet when he went through paper work, he  
didn't complain at all about how Nicky was taking all of her attention  
from him and he was already in bed without her asking him to be after  
Nicky was put to bed.

He lay the motionless in bed looking at the ceiling and it wasn't  
until Valkyrie had joined him in bed did he talk.

"Valkyrie?"

"Yes sweetie?"

"Do you find me attractive"

Valkyrie was gobsmacked.

"What?"

"You know, like good looking"

"Skulduggery Pleasant are you concerned about your body image?"

Valkyrie sat up and turned towards him in absolute amazement. He sat  
up as well turning his body slightly.

"Well, you had a period of time when you thought bad of yourself"

"Yes Skulduggery, I was sixteen and PMSing, also we had just done a  
mission which had left me smelling like birds for two weeks"

"Still, do you find me- you know- attractive?"

Valkyrie thought for a while.

"I guess, well. I don't know. I guess... I'm not sure" said Valkyrie  
looking at the poor Skulduggery who seemed like he was going to melt  
into pure calcium.

"It's alright, I'll just wait until you can't stand my hideousness  
anymore and till my own son fears me"

Valkyrie broke sweat now.

"It never really mattered to me!" she said as a last minute resort.  
Skulduggery looked at her for some ray of hope. Valkyrie felt her face  
heat up and her heart race (after all these years he could still make  
her do this).

"Well- um. I- I. Um. I guess I love you" she said. Skulduggery  
motioned her to go on as she went as red as a beet.

"I love you, and I guess. I love you. Well a lot. I guess it was so  
much. That um... it. Well it"

"Go on"

"This is embarrassing"

"Please" said Skulduggery. Valkyrie melted as she lent in closer.

"It never mattered"

Skulduggery put his arms around her.

"Go on please"

"I couldn't care less, if you were wrinkled or had warts. If you had a  
shaggy beard or were bald with a tattoo"

"Wow, you do know you are repulsed by those sorts right?"

"I know, let me continue. Even if you were beautiful I couldn't care less"

Silence.

"Because" said Skulduggery.

"Because" restarted Valkyrie.

"I love you so much and I want to be with you so much that I couldn't  
care what you looked like"

Skulduggery was silent as he pulled her in and gave her a kiss.

"Thank you" he whispered in her ear. She kissed him back and felt the  
wonderful feeling of being so in love.

"And there is no way Nicky could fear you. Skulduggery he's always the  
one freaking you out"

"True. We adopted a weird kid Valkyrie, can we trade him?"

"Skulduggery" she said in an amused and strict tone.

"I'm only kidding. I love Nicky even though he is trying to steal you  
away from me"

"He's four Skulduggery"

"Four and crafty"

She laughed as they lay back in each other's arms.

"Why were you so concerned about this anyway?" she asked curious.

Skulduggery stayed silent for a moment.

"Narcis Rice"

Valkyrie groaned.

"How dare he make fun of my beloved husband"

"Yes how dare he"

Valkyrie kissed him again.

"Don't worry, you'll always be the most handsome man in the world to me"

"I know"

"And I'll make sure China breaks up with him. I think she's getting  
sick of him already"

"Thank you"

"Your welcome"

"Valkyrie?"

"Yes sweetie?"

"I love you so much"

Valkyrie smiled as she closed her eyes and started to drift off.

"I love you too" she said and fell asleep contented with sleeping in the arms of the man she loves.

**A/N: Wow, Skulduggery was ever so slightly out of character. But I  
guess everyone has those times.**

I might hate Narcis more than I hate Fletcher Renn. Nah that's not possible.

Anyone know where I got his name Narcis from?


	17. Chapter 17 A Moment in Tanith's Mind

**A/B: Warning. For once this is not Fletcher bashing but rather a sneak peak into Tanith's head… Meaning GhastlyxSkulduggery**

**I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant but I do ironically own Tanith's weird stories.**

**Yes this is a spin-off chapter and yes I'm being sarcastic.**

Chapter 17 A Moment in Tanith's Mind

'_Chapter 132 What Feelings Lie Within?_

_Skulduggery looked over his shoulder into the dark night sky that lay behind him. All seemed quiet and tranquil as the skeleton sat on the jetty letting this serenity swallowing him, seeping into the depths of his bones. _

_For a moment he sighed as put his head down in dismay, what was bothering this man who was given a second chance of life was unknown to everyone. But he could feel an ever growing feeling inside of him; he could feel it smother a heart that wasn't meant to be there. The agony of these feelings that meddled with his mind. The sheer surprise as he tried to confront, deny and accept them at the same time. He had heard sayings, that love gave you strength but what was love that normally should never be there. Love that people would grimace at or even laugh at. A love for a friend that had always been there for you, at your side…_

_Though all seemed understandable at a point of view Skulduggery couldn't accept it and let his heart burn in both pain and love as he made the soundless decision to forget though he knew that when he set eyes on that beautiful figure he would instantly melt and forget anything which he had previously said before. _

_The caressing moon gazed upon his heavy head in a melancholy manner as if pitying this skeleton and the future decisions he had to make. As the night swept on the skeleton lay down on the jetty listening to the monotonous sound of the waves lapping onto the bank. He dreamt of taking out his heart that wasn't there anyway or thoughts of his loved one, how they spoke, the way they moved and the way their eyes would sparkle whether in the moonlight or daylight._

_Ghastly Bespoke _

_Said a whispering voice carried by the wind. _

_A rush of heaviness entered the skeleton's mind. _

_Why did it have to be this way? Why him? Why couldn't he get over him? But every time Skulduggery saw him in his mind he felt like a heart was once again pounding in his chest, heavily. Butterflies swirl in the empty hole where his stomach once was. _

_Absolute agony. Absolute bliss._

_They would run through him whenever he heard his name._

_These feelings which lie within that he could never speak out loud. Not even the faintest whisper. _

"_Skulduggery?"_

Skulduggery knew this voice. He would know even if he was once again in the hands of the Faceless Ones driven to insanity. 

_He sat up quickly and met those sparkling eyes. Skulduggery was thankful that there was no longer blood pulsing through his veins as even in this dim moonlight his heavy blush would've been visible to everyone. _

_He cleared his throat as that dear friend come towards him on the jetty._

"_Ah, yes. It's me" he reconfirmed trying not to stutter for words, trying to make everything normal. They were only friends. That was all they could ever be. Ghastly came closer and sat down next to him._

"_What are you doing here Skulduggery?" asked Ghastly, "Is something wrong?"_

Yes, thought Skulduggery, 'In a world where you do not love me everything seems to be wrong'.

"_No nothing at all, just enjoying the cool night breeze after a long day" Skulduggery answered. Ghastly sat in a more relaxing position. _

"_I guess it is pretty nice out here" he said, breathing in the cool air or the sea. He looked at Skulduggery for a moment as he put on a serious face. _

"_I- I was just worried after that mission, with Treeface_ (NOTE FOR VALKYRIE: Remember in chapter 79? Read it again if you forgot I'll send it too you)_ that-. Well you haven't seemed the same since then" Ghastly said, slightly embarrassed, but he cared for this man very much. _

'_Of course' Skulduggery thought, 'That was the day that I realized I- that these feelings came'. _

"_I know. I guess I just realized something then" Skulduggery said. Ghastly looked at him concerned. _

"_What? Is there something you want to tell me?" asked Ghastly because unbeknownst to Skulduggery Ghastly also harbored the same feelings for each other._

'I really want you to really want me'

"_No. It doesn't matter" said Skulduggery pretending to laugh it off but Ghastly even though Skulduggery had no face to put his expressions on his face could tell that something wasn't right. Something in both of their hearts were screaming out to each other the way a seal would scream as it was being eaten by a carnivorous whale. Anguished and gruesome to the onlooker but yet a beautiful faze of life was taking place as hearts bloomed…_

'But I really don't know if you can do that'

_Ghastly put a comforting hand on Skulduggery's shoulder and looked deeply in those empty sockets. This man whose carcass held his heart bewildered him as the two connected in a way that was deeper than a connection that two men could ever make to each other._

'But fate can't break this feeling inside'

'That's burning up through my veins'

_Skulduggery couldn't help but lean in closer to that scared face, as if a supernatural force was telling him to be closer._

'I really want you'

"_Well" Skulduggery started but he couldn't finish. He just couldn't._

'No matter what I say or do'

'The message isn't getting through'

'And you're listening to the sound'

'Of my breaking heart'

_Ghastly tried to urge him on, leaning in closer so he would be able to hear even the tiniest whisper uttered._

'I really want you'

_Then words seemed useless as they gaze into each other's eyes, closer… closer… until they both-'_

"VALKYRIE PLEASANT NEE CAINE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU READING!" cried out Skulduggery as he glimpsed a sentence of a 'manuscript that she had to read for work'. Valkyrie rolled her eyes.

"Oh don't worry about it Skulduggery. It's just a bit of fun" said Valkyrie trying to continue her reading.

"Did Tanith make this!" asked Skulduggery still shocked.

"Don't shout you're going to make Nicky cry" she said dodging when Skulduggery tried to pull the paper out of her hands.

"That piece of paper is _humiliating_" said Skulduggery.

"And it's _funny_" said Valkyrie cackling.

Skulduggery shook his head.

"She better not be showing this garbage to others" he said

Valkyrie smiled and thought 'Good thing Skulduggery doesn't know about LiveJournal' and then made a mental note to ask Tanith for the next chapter.

**A/N: Hell hath no fury that Tanith on LiveJournal hath. **

**Just a bit of fun. It is scary how much I enjoyed writing this one.**

**Lyrics from 'I really want you' James Blunt are used cause Tanith likes songfics. **

**Created this out of curiosity from chapter 3. **


	18. Chapter 18 The Principle's Office

**A/N: Guess who's back bros and bras?**

Chapter 18 (should be called at long last Chapter 18 but its called) The Principles Office

Skulduggery Pleasant sat on the most uncomfortable seats known to man. In the most hideous room he'd ever seen, in front of the desk where an old man sat with a badge saying 'Best Principle' on his jacket. Oh and there was that brat of a son who was trying to steal his wife from him on the chair beside him too.

"Now Mr. Pleasant" started the Principle. _Oh God he had an annoying voice too_ thought Skulduggery.

"I appreciate that you've come here today on such notice-"

"Oh don't worry, coming here reminds me of my own days as a child"

"Normally I'd ask the missus to call in but I think you'd be more suitable for this event" continued the Principle without faltering.

_He reminds me of my old principle _thought Skulduggery, _annoying and uptight. Let's see if Nicky sets fire to his office as well_.

"It's about Nicky" said Mr. Principle.

"I guessed" said Mr. Pleasant, "Though I had some help with that guesstimation when I got a call to come in to talk about Nicky"

"Well Mr. Pleasant, your wife and I have already talked about the matter a number of times, I'm sure you and her have confided in each other about the subject-

_Oh please Valkyrie won't let me touch a strand of his school life since I tried to board him off to Spain._

"but specifically this time where Nicholas has bullied other students he referred to you"

"Me?" said Skulduggery surprised.

_Chip off the old block_ he thought.

"Yes. You. His teacher, Mrs Pendlebury stated that he threaten her saying that if he didn't get his way you were going to come and kill her"

"Oh"

"He also mentioned that you were going to teach him how to make fire and he was going to burn the school down straight after you did"

Skulduggery decided to play good parent with the unfortunate son.

"Nicky is this true!" he conjured with all sorts of dramatic influence.

"The old hag deserved it" Nicky answered with dark eyes.

"What have I told you about calling people that!" continued Skulduggery.

"What you always call mum that behind her back" replied the six year old.

There was silence.

Skulduggery stopped in mid sentence of his dramatic monologue.

The Principle started mouth opened.

Nicky smiled and sat back in his seat as if the wretched thing was a cloud from heaven.

"Mr. Principle I can explain..." began Skulduggery. Well if the good parent act didn't work he could always use the guilty one. He dropped his head down.

"I'm an awful parent I can't live with myself anymore" he cried out in anguish.

"It's true" Nicky told the Principle, "Living with him is awful, ask me or my mum".

"WHY HAVE I FAILED AT PARENTHOOD! WHERE DID I GO WRONG"

"Where did he go wrong" Nicky echoed.

"I- hiccup- TRIED- SO HAAAAARRRD"

"He tried to haaaaaaaard..."

"I'm sorry son" Skulduggery said as he turned to Nicky. Nicky stared back with bored eyes.

"I don't deserve to be your father" he said and put his head on Nicky's shoulder sobbing. Nicky looked at the Principle with his expressionless face and patted his father on the back.

"There There"

The Principle at this point was so confused. So distressed by the loud wailings that he stood up, hands out.

"It's alright Mr. Pleasant. It's alright. Please don't cry. I shouldn't have brought you in. Here. Why don't you and Nicky go now? Settle things between yourselves"

Skulduggery shot up, shook the Principle's hand then Nicky's and started to walk out.

"Thank you Mr. Principle for inviting me" he said and walked out leaving the man's gobsmacked face.

He and Nicky walked a while.

"I thought went quite well" Skulduggery told his son picking him up to carry him over his shoulders.

"This is why I ask mum to come not you"

"Don't say that Nicky. Daddy wuvs yoooouuuu-"

"And Daddy I may look like I'm six year old but remember- I'm 13"

"That's what you for learning magic since you were three"

"Screw you"

"Manners"

"Fu-

Skulduggery clamped his hand over his son's mouth as concerned teachers past them. Nicky looked over his shoulder and made sure they were out of ear shot.

"So do I get to burn the school down now?" asked Nicky, "You've seen what it's like"

"Burn it" said Skulduggery, his eyes glittered with memories of his own school burning to ashes.

Skulduggery smiled (though he always did).

"Burn it to the ground"

**A/N: I shall do a somersault from the moon into the Bermuda Triangle in a bowing pose to make up for this.**

NO I did not leave this story.

NO I did not stop writing

YES I did forget my passwords for both email and fanfiction account.

But now I'm back and alls forgiven... right? (worried look) Right? Guys? Hey what are those pitchforks for- (runs) I SAID I WAS SORRY!

**I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant even after the period of a year where I haven't written for this story. But yes I still hate Fletcher. Dam do I hate Fletcher**


	19. Chapter 19 Daddy's Boy

**A/N:  
Nobody will understand the pain...  
...of not owning Skulduggery Pleasant...  
...being unable to actually pair up Skuldugery and Valkyrie...  
...and make them a cannon pairing...**

**...**

**...and being unable to kill Fletcher.**

Chapter 19 Daddy's Boy

_I am not afraid._

I'm 13 years old not the 6 year old body I have.

I am not afraid of a silly lightening storm.

The lightening stroke and Nicky whimpered curling into a ball.

_I'm not afraid._

I'm not afraid.

T he thunder boomed and Nicky fought back a cry.

_I'm going to stay in my bed and fall asleep. I will not go to my parents like a little boy._

Nicky remembered that his mother was away that night which only left the shell that could once be called human left alone in his parent's bed.

_I am definitely not going to my parent's bed. I am not going to admit to that excuse of a father that I am scared of thunder storms._

But inside he shivered while he thought of what he really wanted. He wanted to go to his father. He wished he was still small enough to fit in his ribcage.

Nicky remembered the time when bad people came to their house and Dad had put him in his ribcage and covered him with a jacket. He found out how serious it was later on but at that time he could only feel safe and warm.

Of course his mother had to perform CPR afterwards from the lack of air in the time spent in there and boy did Dad get a beating for that but after that (until he got too big and snapped a rib) he always went to Dad's ribcage when he was scared.

Nicky wished he could be there now. He wanted the warm, oddly comfortable safe little hiding whole that he so-

Thunder roared and Nicky screamed.

He ran unthinking just wanting that safe feeling again. He ran as fast as he could, past familiar walls, threw the door open, jumped into the bed and hid under the covers searching with hands for that familiar skeletal frame.

"Nicky?' said the voice.

"Shut up!" he said hoarsely sobbing.

Skulduggery sighed.

"Nicky it's alright"

"Shut up you dead bastard! I told you to shut up!"

Nicky clutched to his father's thigh bone sobbing profusely. Not because he was scared. But he was ashamed. He had never seen his father scared. Ever. Why couldn't he be the same?

He felt bony fingers find him under the covers and patted him soothingly.

"Nicky it's alright I'm here" he said and his sobs quietened.

Nicky sat up throwing the covers away. His eyes were red and blotchy, snot dribbled from his nose.

"Don't you tell anyone what happened here" he said, his voice still shaky.

"Nicky you know I won't"

"Especially not mum"

"Definitely"

"And I'm not afraid of storms"

"Nicky, I know you have been since the night we left you home alone when you said you were big enough to stay by yourself"

Nicky went silent. He hadn't known that he knew that.

The lightening strike and Nicky yelped hugging his father again started to cry.

Skulduggery made hushing sounds stroking his back.

"Screw you" Nicky said still sobbing.

Skulduggery continued his calming therapy on his son until the boy started to quiet down.

"Nicky?"

"What?" he answered after a few moments.

"Goodnight"

Nicky's eyes got tired and he felt hazy. But warm. Comfortable. Safe in his father's arms.

"Fuc-" he started but he fell asleep.

Skulduggery watched his son sleep peacefully, enjoying this moment of fatherly tenderness. One of the few times that Skulduggery felt like he succeeded in parenthood.

"I love you too Nicky"

**A/N: Just a bit of fluff.**

Yes Nicky has a potty mouth but no matter how much he and Skulduggery pretend to hate each other they really do love each other.

And Nicky, well he just wants to grow up to be his Daddy. 


	20. Chapter 20 Better Left Unknown

**A/N: I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant. But hell do I own bragging rights if Skulduggery and Valkyrie ever get together.**

Chapter 20 Things That Are Better Left Unknown Should Remain That Way... definitely

"You look lovely tonight"

No answer.

"Hey I love you"

No answer

"Have I ever told you how scrumptious you look in this lighting?"

"Its dark Skulduggery, even you can't see a thing"

"Yes an answer- now as I was saying"

"No Skulduggery"

"No what?"

"No I will not play hooky with you tonight"

"I never said I wanted to do anything of sort"

"But you want to, don't you"

"Well if you're offering"

"No. I'm sleepy. Goodnight"

"Such a cold woman. Leaving me such an unsatisfied man. Sometimes I wonder if you could ever satisfy me"

"Oh I have satisfied you. On many accounts"

"Then why not appease me now"

His voice was a rough purr.

"OH MY GOD! MUM! DAD! I CAN HEAR YOU FOR PETE'S SAKE! HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW PAPER THIN THE WALLS ARE IN THIS GOD DAMNED HOUSE!"

"Sorry Nicky. You're mother and I were just having our pre-warm up talk"

"YEAH WELL PLEASE TALK ABOUT THIS WHEN I'M NOT TRYING TO SLEEP WITHOUT ANY NIGHTMARES OF MY 80 YEAR OLD MOTHER AND MY SKELETON DAD GETTING FREAKY!"

They were both silent for a moment.

"I still think we should get it on"

"You heard him. Paper thin walls. What if the neighbours hear?"

"Oh I'm sure they've heard already. Seeing how loud I seem to make you-

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

"See. And I don't think I want him or the neighbours hearing anything either. He's had enough mental scaring. That's final"

"But-"

"Goodnight"

Skulduggery went quiet as she rolled over her back towards him.

He thought for a moment and starting talking in a clear loud voice.

"You would've enjoyed it I had a whole new arrangement sorted out where I would put my-

"OH MY GOD I HAD A MENTAL IMAGE"

**A/N: Put some pity on poor poor Nicky. Lol it rhymes.**


	21. Chapter 21 Man Talkagainagain

**A/N: dum Dum DUM! I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant but I do love pie**

Chapter 21 Man Talk... again...again

Skulduggery walked into the kitchen the next morning to see his son sitting at the table quietly eating his cereal. For a moment he fondly pondered how the mature 13 year old sat in that 6 year old body obviously annoyed that he still needed to use a stool to reach the milk.

"Nicholas"

He didn't answer him.

Skulduggery pulled out a chair and sat down his head in his hands with elbows propped onto the table.

"You must have a few questions after the events of the last night" Skulduggery began. Nicky's eyes shot up.

"Dad. No. You gave me this talk already a year ago when I walked in on you two"

"I know you might feel a bit confused right now. You never thought of your parents this way-

"No shit Sherlock"

"But when a man and a woman love each other very much-

"- They have a kid, decide they don't want him and he ends up with a skeleton dad who looks like he came straight out of the Night before Christmas and a mother who suffers from necrophilia" he interrupted.

Skuldugery laughed. What -it was slightly true.

"Still Nicky. When you're older you'll understand"

"You mean in the next ten years where my body finally goes through puberty"

"Around that time yes"

Nicky rolled his eyes.

"Yes Dad. I know you and mum love each other. Yes I know you express it in a way that...isn't very platonic. But please, please do it while I'm not at home and I can hear you" he concluded.

Skulduggery nodded, "Alright. You have my word"

"Good" said Nicky and stood up. He took his bag from the bench and strapped himself in it.

"I enjoyed our little man talk" his father said but he ignored him.

"I'm going to school. See you" he said and then looked worriedly and the bedroom door of his parents before shaking his head and walking away.

Nicky slept that night peacefully- there wasn't even a whisper of noise from anywhere. Content he snuggled into his bed, wrapped himself in his covers and closed his eyes.

The next morning he woke, had his breakfast, nodded curtly at his father who sat at the table knowing he had kept their agreement and left as usual.

Just about as soon as he left his mother walked out of her bedroom rubbing her eyes. Skulduggery looked up from the paper to receive a kiss.

"Did you enjoy last night" he asked her, almost a whisper.

Valkyrie blushed while pouring herself a cup of coffee.

"Did the sound wards around Nicky's room work?" she asked.

Skulduggery ruffled the newspaper.

"They worked wonderfully. He didn't know a thing" he answered.

Valkyrie nodded, taking her coffee and moving to sit on her husband's lap.

"You remembered to put the ones around the whole house so the neighbours wouldn't hear anything didn't you?" she said sipping her coffee.

Skulduggery was quiet.

"Oh" said Valkyrie and they remained silent.

That morning when Valkyrie left the house she was greeted with very awkward looks from the neighbours.

**A/N: Skulduggery's word means nothing.**


	22. Chapter 22 My Name is

**A/N:  
Writing and stories piled high as the sky  
Disclaiming fanfics so I can get by  
Hurting Fletcher so bad that it stings  
These are a few of my favourite things...**

Chapter 21 My Name is...

He ran in unprecedented fear, jumping from roof top to roof top for his life. While catching his breath he looked back at his predator.

The young boy looked about ten and wasn't even puffing as he jumped from roof tops with eerie grace. He was coated in black and in his hand was a small revolver which steadily pointed at his direction.

Knowing that he couldn't outrun the boy forever he tumbled down to an alleyway. His landing was bad and he felt his shoulder crack on the pavement as he fell but adrenaline kept him going and he ran dragging his arm in immense pain.

He fell at a trendily of air that snaked around his leg hauling him downwards. He tried to get up again but a firm kick planted him on the grass of a park he had managed to reach.

He looked at the small black eyes and the unmoving face he saw before him. Seeing this child at gunpoint was more frightening than being threatened by a grown man.

They boy loaded the revolver.

"Silly little man" the boy said coldly pinning him down with a surprisingly strong foot.

He panted still not having recovered his breath and grasped surrounding grass in fear.

"Wait- I know you" he said raising a finger.

"Whether you know me or not won't make a difference in a moment" he said as the gun clicked beneath his fingers.

"You're- You're that brat. The Skulduggery kid" he said. The boys face went blank and he smiled at this.

"But you're not his son though. You're an unwanted brat, unlucky enough to have that pitiful- to have that bag of bones as a father"

The boy remained silent, this pleased him more.

"Nicholas Pleasant isn't it? Well Nicholas Pleasant, take your foot of me now and let me leave" he said, his voice was reaffirming and confident.

They boy paused and for a moment he thought he had succeeded but then he proceeded to raise his gun.

"But that should of worked" he said, fear rising again, "I used your given name!"

They boy gave an ugly smile.

"My name is not Nicholas, Mr. Warhol. But remember my name because I am the one arresting you for robbery, attempted murder and kidnapping"

He began to quiver as the boy's face became hard as stone.

"My name is Renegade Cain. And I am every bit of my father's son"

The gun fired but all that came was a shot of air, strong enough to knock the grown man out. He collapsed backwards on the grass shock still evident on his face.

Renegade looked at the unconscious body and turn back to look at the road where a black Bentley was parked. The tall thin figure walked out and put a hat on the gleaming white skull which shone in the moonlight.

His father walked up to him and looked at the man on the ground.

"You're first run" his father noted.

"Yes" he answered.

Skulduggery patted his son on his head messing his black hair. Renegade winced pushing the bony hand away.

"You did well Nicky" he said.

Nicky blushed heavily and turned his back to his father.

"Yeah well fu- ...it was nothing..." he said and he turned around and smiled. Skulduggery put an arm on Nicky's shoulder and wondered who was the proudest between the two of them in this moment.

**A/N: I wanted to try write a bit of action which I love but I haven't had much practice writing.**

Renegade for Life. 


	23. Chapter 23 Young Love

**A/N: I want some cutesy fluff give me some cutesy fluff now. I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant.**

Chapter 23 Young Love

Valkyrie sat at the table with her paper work all laid out before her in a messy pile. She did hate paper work but over the years that she had to start doing paper work she found the best way to get it over and done with. She concentrated full heartedly on it until it was all over.

She was in the middle of reading an important page when she heard her mobile ring. She jumped at the sound of it and then continued to hurriedly search for it, being buried underneath all those papers.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Hi" said her husband's voice.

"Hello"

"It's me"

"I know"

...

"How are you?"

"I'm good"

...

"Listen I was wondering..."

"Yes?" Valkyrie readjusted her position on her seat.

"Are you doing anything this Friday?"

"No" She shook her head though he couldn't see.

"I was wondering.."

"Uh-huh?"

She felt her face start to flush.

"Would you like to go on a date? I know we'll be busy that day but- later on"

"Sure"

Her heart was beating fast.

"I'm not sure what's on at the moment but I thought- you know, we could go and just see whatever takes our liking", his voice was faltering and he sounded unsure.

"Sure"

"Really?"

"Yeah"

"Okay!" he said a little loudly, but then he lowered it, "I'll see you Friday then"

"See you Friday" she was smiling now.

"Bye"

"Bye"

"I love you"

"Same here"

"Bye"

"Bye"

Valkyrie waited for the phone to cut off before she put her mobile down.

She giggled.

"I can't believe you two"

Valkyrie looked up at her son who sat across the table doing his homework with a disgusted look on his face.

"What?"

"You're like kids"

Valkyrie shrugged.

"It could've been worse"

"How?"

She smiled.

"We could've been talking about something kinky"

Nicky blushed, immediately dropped his head down and buried himself in his work.

**A/N: (insert troll face)**


	24. Chapter 24 Kiss

**A/N: Guess what it's Ghanith. Like OMG yall. Anyway someone requested Ghanith and I realised that I hadn't mentioned it too much. So here is a chapter dedicated to Ghanith and yes for everyone's information if I did own Skulduggery (but I don't) Ghanith would've happened already... though it has... but I would anyway... yeah... awkies...**

Chapter 24 Kiss (Ghanith Style)

Tanith wasn't exactly your ordinary girl.

She was tough. She was a mean, lean, fighting, machine. And just one look at the muscled arms and deadly blade in hand you could tell she could kick ass.

But no matter how much she own, she was still a girl.

A girl.

With dreams.

The occasional fantasies...

... well the pretty common fantasies...

...excluding the ones about Ghastly and Skulduggery that she had written and put on live journal (which she had been approached about making it into a book)...

But she could wonder, want and wish just like any other girl could.

She thought about boys.

Men.

Ghastly.

And she was always curious, on what it would be like to kiss the scars on his face.

Of course he hadn't let her. Ghastly was too self conscious about it for his own good.

But there he was, asleep in a chair, in front of her and looking so damn venerable.

_I could kiss them _she told herself _ and he'd never realise. _

She crept forward, her footsteps made no sound these days.

She leaned down put her hands on the arm rests for support and counted down the length.

Five centimetres.

Four centimetres.

Three centimetres.

Two.

One.

Zero.

Her lips brushed the uneven surface, her faced flushed with heat.

And it was absolutely silent.

No cheer of a crowd.

No audiences with tears of happiness.

No fireworks to spell LOVE in the air.

But something inside of her moved heavy and slow, her heart fluttered above all her worries and she wanted to fly.

It would be another ten years until Ghastly and Tanith would marry.

But when she looked back at that moment, she realised that it was then that she had known she and Ghastly would always be together.

**A/N: Wow. This is corny. Like super corny. Review if you like corny.**

I have some slightly sad news but I'm planning to finish Crack at chapter 30. I have 25, 26 already written down and the last few chapters planned out, 29 and 30 will be a two part story.

A good story needs a good ending or they just end up like mangas that never end (

cough**Bleach**cough**)**

**Don't be sad, there are still five more stories to go.**


	25. Chapter 25 I Can't Fight this Feeling

**A/N: PLAY IT WHILE YOU READ IT. .com/watch?v=67Fb8XbpWMM  
**  
Title: I Can't Fight This Feeling  
Pairing: Ghastly/Skulduggery  
Rating: T13+  
Warnings: Guy Love  
Disclaimer: N/A  
Summary: When Ghastly is in one of his darkest moments Skulduggery uses the power of song to bring him back.

Ghastly sat and the bar, discontented and forlorn, a pint in hand. He looked over at a table in a corner where two familiar figures sat.

Smiling.

Laughing.

Bonding.

How could he ever separate them? They were partners and they would always be.

He knew this but he couldn't help the burning sensation in his heart, which made him want to claw it out each time he looked at his old friend and the young friend who leant against him.

He took a swig of the beer.

They looked perfect together, so complete and he- he was just the watcher on the sidelines, he could never be with Skulduggery what they were together.

He turned away trying to focus on something else. But in his mind he could picture every move they were making now.

He shook his head.

_Why do I feel like this?_

He wasn't watching when a man came on the small karaoke stage and asked for any volunteers. He did hear however when Valkyrie urged Skulduggery to go up. He turned around to see whether Skulduggery would karaoke and was surprised to see the man actually stand and head towards the stage as people cheered him on.

He had never heard Skulduggery sing before. Not in all the years he had known him.

He saw Skulduggery lean over to tell the man the song he wanted.

Ghastly listened with anticipating ears

_"I can't fight this feeling any longer_

And still am I afraid to let it flow

What started out as friendship has grown stronger

I only wish I had the strength to let it show"

He had the voice of an angel.

For a moment Ghastly burned with jealously, what a song to sing to Valkyrie.

But no, those eyes weren't looking at her, they were looking at him.

_'I tell myself that I can't hold out forever._

I said there is no reason for my fear.

Cause I feel so secure when we're together.

You give my life direction,

You make everything so clear.'

The crowd cheered. But Ghastly watched awed.

_'And even as I wander,_

I'm keeping you in sight.

You're a candle in the window,

On a cold, dark winter's night.

And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.'

Louder cheers as he reached the higher notes.

A few people started to sing along.

'_And I can't fight this feeling anymore._

I've forgotten what I started fighting for.

It's time to bring this ship into the shore,

And throw away the oars, forever.'

Ghastly stared at him. And those eyes stared back.

And for a moment Ghastly could see beyond the facade Skulduggery wore. Beneath those bones into his true self.

And for a moment there was a deep connection between the two men which no one earth were able to understand (not even Chuck Norris) but them.

Skulduggery's heart was singing out to him. For him.

_'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore._

I've forgotten what I started fighting for.

And if I have to crawl upon the floor,

Come crushing through your door,

Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.'

And Ghastly could not comprehend the feeling inside of him. He knew what Skulduggery was telling him.

In that bar on that Thursday night Ghastly shed a tear.

A tear of happiness.

COMMENTS:

_MissCain47_ wrote:  
OMG YES. NEXT CHAPTER NEXT CHAPTER NEXT CHAPTER!

wrote:  
Please take this story off. Val I'm confiscating your laptop.

_Anonymous_ wrote:  
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS. TANITH YOU HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO!

_MissCain47 _wrote:  
Oh please I'll just find some other way to read this. Please include a make out scene next time!

wrote:  
I do not know how you can do this to me. I thought you loved me but you gave Tanith some very personal information that only you could know about me, to make a very explicit scene with Ghastly and I.

_Anonymous _wrote:  
WHAT EXPLICIT SCENE!

_MissCain47 _wrote:  
You just mentioned that to freak him out didn't you?

wrote:  
You know me too well my darling wife.

_Anonymous _wrote:  
TANITH I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WROTE A SCENE LIKE THAT. YOU EVEN TOLD EVERYONE HOW I'M TICKLISH AROUND MY EARS.

wrote:  
Though there a lot of habits of mine you seem to have missed out on. Perhaps you need a reminder Mrs. Pleasant?

_MissCain27 _wrote:  
I'll all too willingly comply Mr. Pleasant. I'll bring the candles.

wrote:  
And I'll bring the wine 3

_Anonymous _wrote:  
WHY IS EVERYONE OKAY WITH THIS!

_RenegadeForLife _wrote:  
I can't believe I know you guys...

**A/N: Poor Ghastly and Nicky.**

I don't know how many times I've sang that song in the shower... but no matter how many times I do, I'll never own Skulduggery Pleasant.

__


	26. Chapter 26 Of Many Titles

**A/N: Nananananana batman... nah it's just Skulduggery escaping my ownership once again.**

(1) Distance  
Whenever Skulduggery travels for his work he does miss his wife. However the underwear of hers that he takes with him always makes the distance seem shorter.

(2) Endowed  
Nicky once commented that he didn't know how Skulduggery kept a woman like Valkyrie while being so poorly endowed. His father just turned and smiled saying 'Well what are hands for?'

(3) Silence  
When it is completely silent at night Nicky can't fall asleep because he knows exactly what his parents are doing.

(4) Scars  
As Tanith looked upon the marks on Ghastly face as he sleep she realised that some scars were supposed to stay to make us who we are.

(5) Differences  
When Valkyrie had enough of the constant Jazz music that Skulduggery listened to she bought him a pair of earphones. However the sound just echoed in his skull and made it worse for her.

(6)Additions  
When Valkyrie asked Skulduggery if he wanted to add a daughter to the family he asked, 'Can she replace Nicky?'

(7) Do I Look Big in This?  
You have no idea how much it kills Valkyrie to have a husband who will always be skinnier than her.

(8) Differences 2  
When Nicky has enough of his father's jazz music he just hides his CDs... and secretly listens to them later.

(9) Over Protective  
When Ghastly found out his daughter was alone with a guy in her room he charged in guns blazing. Unfortunately he did punch the boy before his daughter screamed out 'DAD HE'S GAY!'.

(10) Smite Me  
Nicky brought his father to the verge of insanity after asking his mother to stay with him when he slept for a month.

(11) Sweet Revenge  
After that month was up Skulduggery made sure to 'forget' the sound proof spells on special occasions.

(12) The Boss  
Sick of the competition that raged on between her son and husband Valkyrie handcuffed them together for a week. But it was only a day after they tried to kill each other after Skulduggery had to go to the toilet with Nicky.

(13) Compensation  
Nicky always reminds his father what men with fancy cars are compensating for.

(14) Young Love  
Skulduggery was very happy when Nicky got his first girlfriend... he was very unhappy to see that she looked oddly similar to Valkyrie.

(15) A Whole New World  
_Skulduggery and Valkyrie flying in the air hand in hand_  
Skulduggery: Valkyrie?  
Valkyrie: What?  
Skulduggery: _I will show you the world-  
_Valkyrie: Shut up Skulduggery.

**A/N: G Dammit I'm lazy and this took way too long to write**


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